ARTICLES & RESOURCES

Lying to Parents

By Linda Hepler

Honesty is a trait that most parents want - and expect - from their children. But studies show that as many as 92 percent of teens admit to lying to their parents at least once in the past year. Teens lie about many things, from how they spend their money to where they're going, who they're with, and what they're doing.

Why do teens lie?
Teens lie for a variety of reasons, including a need for autonomy. Teens want to establish an identity that is independent of their parents' knowledge and authority. Withholding details about their lives is a way to gain this control.

Teens also lie to protect themselves from parental reaction. If he has made a mistake and fears being yelled at rather than listened to, he's much less likely to tell the truth.

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Also, teens lie because they've been taught to do so. Even a well-meaning parent will encourage a lie by insisting that a child tell Aunt Eleanor that he loved the wonderful sweater she gave him for Christmas, even though the child can't stand the gift.

And parents put children in positions to lie by backing them into a corner and grilling them for information that will get them into trouble, rather than setting boundaries and encouraging them to make good decisions within those boundaries.

Help your child to tell the truth
It's best to set the tone for honesty within your family when your child is young. This means that you work hard to maintain honesty yourself. Remember, children notice when a parents call in to work sick when they're really not, or lies to a telemarketer instead of simply saying they're not interested and ending the conversation politely.

Even social lies to protect feelings can hurt a child. Children know the difference between a "white lie" such as telling your friend that you love her (awful) cooking and a major lie, but they can pick up a habit of such lying at an early age - as young as 3 or 4 years old - and carry it over from little lies to bigger ones.

To help your children tell the truth, keep the following in mind:

There is nothing wrong with expecting that your child say thank you for a gift (because this is the respectful thing to do), but he should not be forced to say that he loves it if he doesn't. Help him to think of a truthful thing to say, such as that it's a nice color.
Don't confront your children in anger when they do something wrong. If you know that your child scribbled on the wall, it's better to talk to the child about why you don't want her to do this, and have her help you to clean it up, than it is to test her honesty by demanding that she "confess" to the infraction.
You can do the same thing with older children. If you know that he has taken money from your purse, you can open the discussion with a statement about the missing money and why stealing is not acceptable, then ask him to help you think of how he can repay you. You're much more likely to hear the truth than if you fixate on getting him to admit that he did it.
Don't set too many rules - but enforce the ones that you have. Allowing your children to make decisions within well established guidelines does more to encourage healthy and honest behavior than does requiring them to "toe the line" and follow a laundry list of directives.

Finally, try to consider your child's arguments about family rules and boundaries as a positive sign. Teens who argue about rules are trying to understand why they are necessary, and will listen to your viewpoint - even if you don't think they're paying attention.

By testing your boundaries, and by arguing about rules instead of sneaking around or lying, the child is attempting to conduct himself in an honest manner.

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