Rebuilding Trust Between Parents and Teens
4 Troubled Teens
Teens with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder face a number of challenges, which a knowledgeable and informed parent can help them overcome. Read more about teens with ADHD
Back in the day, when I was a teen, my mother had really long, thick hair that she wore in a huge bun piled on top of her head. Every morning, before work, she rolled her strands around this wad of fake hair which was designed to make bun-making easier. Then, using about a million hair pins, she neatly gathered the hair on top of her head and secured it so that not even a tsunami could dislodge it. If it was a special occasion, she would position one stiff curl on each side of her face. My mother wasn't exceedingly tall, but she wasn't short either; and, if you can remember the older clothing racks at the department stores, they were a bit taller than they are now. Anyway, I could always find my mother in a store by looking for that bun floating above the tops of those racks.
When I was little, that bun was just a normal part of my mother, like an arm or a leg; but as I got older, that bun came to signify everything that was wrong with her. Long after other mothers began wearing their hair down, or even, gasp!, short, my mother continued to pin that bun to the top of her head. She didn't evolve; or, at least, her hair didn't. And, if her hair didn't evolve, her clothes were even worse. She just wasn't hip.
Chances are that your teen doesn't find you very hip either. Finding yourself embarrassed by your parents is, sadly, a predictable part of growing up. I know that my kids are embarrassed to be seen with me often enough; and that's when I don't even give them something to be embarrassed about. When I do something silly like trip over my own feet while sneaking up to the stage for a snapshot during a school production, I see their eyes roll as they sink lower in their seats to avoid being mistakenly associated with the tripping lady. Poor babies! To be stuck with such a mother must be horrifying.
Most of us can still remember being embarrassed by our own parents, so maybe the fact that our own children find us embarrassing is a karma thing; a sort of cosmic payback. What goes around comes around, right? The good news is that, because of our elevated parental status, we can use our ability to embarrass our children as a way to threaten them into doing what we want. This kind of blackmail is low, but effective. After all, our parents did it to us. I have actually threatened to dance or sing in public if I can't get the cooperation from my children that I need. On the outside, they're all about laughing it off, but I can see the flicker of fear in their eyes.
Sigmund Freud might have read quite a bit into the whole embarrassed-by-your-parents stage of development, but it's really just nature's way of cutting the apron strings. When kids move away from their parents as their primary caregivers and into more social and meaningful interactions with their peers, they discover, much to their dismay, that mom and dad have become somewhat outdated. This isn't in the least bit intentional on the part of your teen, and it isn't designed to hurt your feelings, it's just the way that kids and parents to learn to let go. As you might be able to remember, it's a pretty rough process for the teen also. And, since you've been there, done that, you should be able to react empathetically when your teen begins to experience the same growing pains.
Perhaps the best way to deal with your teen's embarrassment is to just give them the space they need to grow. Once kids begin to test the waters of independence, it's a signal for parents to back off and accept that their kids are growing up and away. We knew it would come, and we've both dreaded and eagerly anticipated it, but when it finally arrives, the breaking away of our children can be just as painful for us as it is for them. How to deal? Just dig deep for what remains of your sense of humor and hold on tight. It's going to be a bumpy ride; filled with emotional ups and downs. We call these the teen years and they are the harbingers of adulthood, the empty nest, and eventual freedom for both the child and the parents.
But, ultimately, assuming both you and your teen have made it through without disowning each other, neither of you should be any worse for the wear. What results is a more mature relationship, focused on a more mature level of communication. You'll likely never again be the unquestionable hero to your child that you were when he or she was just a tyke, but your relationship will be all the better for the experiences you've both shared.