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By Rebecca Stigall
Ah, how we long for the days when best friends cemented their bond by spitting in their palms and shaking hands on their friendship (ok, maybe not, considering how disgusting this practice is). How the days of Grease-like pajama parties where young ladies dance around with curlers in their hair singing Bobby Darrin songs into their hairbrushes seem like a little girls' dream come true (heck, that's even before my time). Yet, one has to wonder if friendships were ever really so idyllic.
I think not.
I believe that the terms of friendship really haven't changed much since the beginning of time. I think that even cave friends had a bit of prehistoric 90210 action happening. I'm relatively certain that if Queen Elizabeth I could imprison her half-sister, Mary, Queen of Scots, in the Tower of London, for plotting to kill her, neither sister may have made the most beloved of friends. And, I'm pretty sure that today's teens haven't invented any completely new ways of defining friendship.
The reality is that teen friendships run the gamut of good and bad, just like any friendship. Teen girls can be petty and childish, and teen boys are often competitive and bullying. There's relatively little that's new under the sun. Even adult friendships are not immune to troubling issues.
The trick to friendships is to balance what you give with what you get. There are times when you get a lot and times when it seems like all you're doing is giving up all your Friday nights to be with the friend who just can't get a date. And, there are entire friendships where it seems that all you do is give. Yet there are reasons for every friendship and it's ok to examine each friend and what he or she brings to the relationship. And, painfully, there are times when we may realize that there are just some friendships that weigh so heavily upon us that we have to let them go completely.
The primary difference between teen friendships and adult friendships is that teens are, at the same time, more prepared and less prepared to acquire and retain friendships. Teens are not so entrenched in friendships that they can't or won't let go, and, at the same time, they're willing to put up with more than an adult might endure for the sake of friendship. Does this mean that teens are fickle? Absolutely! Like many other things in life, teens are merely trying to wade their way through all of the rules and regulations of becoming your own person.
It's this seeking of the self that rules many teen friendships. Both boys and girls are jostling for their place in group and individual dynamics. And parents have a huge responsibility to help kids find just the right spot.
There's no way to guarantee that your child will have just the right amount of friends; be popular, but not obnoxious; or avoid the heartache of finding out that friends are not always what they seem. However, there are ways to help teens keep their footing in an unsure world.
One of the most important tools that we can give our kids is the power of self-esteem. So many young people are taken advantage of because of an inability to stand up for themselves. One of the best ways to ensure that our kids have the highest level of self-esteem possible is to listen to them and to respect them as individuals.
Sure, it sounds simple, but what parent hasn't fought that urge to enact the "do as I say" rule or occasionally wish their kids were "seen and not heard." But a kid who can't interact with the individuals in his own household probably won't be able to do so with his peers. So, ultimately, it's up to parents and other adults to teach kids the skills they need to give and receive, and, most importantly, define and recognize friendship.