News, Advice, and Tips for Parenting Teenagers

The transition from junior high to high school -- and from high school to college -- can be challenging for parents and their children.

In an effort to fit in and make friends, some students will do things that would normally be out of character. Parents need to determine ahead of time how theyll respond if they find out their child has been drinking or experimenting with drugs.

In an Aug. 27 article in the Long Island newspaper The Times Beacon Record, Rev. Francis Pizzarelli offered the following advice to prepare parents for addressing these transitional challenges:

• Every family needs to have a core of basic values, rules and regulations that govern the smooth operating of one's family system.
• When parenting teenagers, parents should always be consistent and fair. Never say something that you do not intend to enforce.
  
• Do not compromise your moral compass for the sake of being friends with your teen. Be clear with your expectations, and be prepared to practice what you preach.
  

Rev. Pizzarelli also advised against tolerating teen substance abuse, especially if parents are operating under the misconception that teen drinking and marijuana use is just a phase.

Labels: parenting tips, rules, substance_abuse

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Dating is an inevitable part of growing up, but it can cause considerable tension between parents and teenagers. Setting firm rules in the beginning can alleviate that tension.

"As long as there are clear rules and you do not overreact if one is broken, you should be able to help your daughter navigate the new relationship without causing her to clam up or begin sneaking around behind your back to see the boy."

Parents should sit down together and develop dating guidelines to share with their teenagers. The rules should be clear, and so should the consequences for breaking them. It doesn't guarantee that rules won't be broken, but it does let your teen know that you're paying attention. Source: Poughkeepsie Journal

Labels: dating, rules, relationships

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Telling your children to follow rules is one thing; showing them how by doing it yourself is another. This is a lesson that one Oregon mom failed to teach when she objected to a book her son had checked out from his high school library.

"She declared to the world, or at least the Pacific Northwest, that she would not return the book and would, in fact, burn it. She also claimed that if the library tried to replace the book, she would 'have somebody else check it out' and she'd keep that one, too."

Whether she realized it or not, she set the example for her son that you don't have to follow rules that you don't like or agree with. It can be easy for parents to forget that teens don't just listen to what we say, they watch what we do. And if our words and actions don't line up, we can become our own children's excuse for breaking rules. Source: Statesman Journal (OR)

Labels: rules, consequences, role_models

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Setting rules about the type of language and behavior that's allowed is every parent's right. Such boundaries also benefit the teens that have to follow them, so long as it's handled appropriately.

"'Be careful when you lay down the rules so as not to embarrass your daughter,' say panelist Rochelle Freedman. She suggests you talk to your daughter first and warn her you plan to discuss her friends' bad language with them."

Other experts suggest using humor to make the conversation less awkward.

Labels: communication, rules, respect

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"No smoking in the house" is a simple rule that helps teens stay away from cigarettes, according to a new study from the Boston School of Public Health.

Dr. Alison Albers and her colleagues interviewed 2,217 students 12 to 17 years old over a four-year period. Teens who lived in homes with "no smoking" rules were less likely to experiment with cigarettes and more likely to believe that smoking is socially unacceptable.

If parents do not smoke themselves but allow others to smoke in their homes, their children were twice as likely to experiment with cigarettes.

"This basic intervention - implementing a household smoking ban - has the potential to promote anti-smoking norms and prevent adolescent smoking," Dr. Albers said.

The study was published in the Journal of Public Health.

Labels: rules, smoking, role_models

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Teenagers need space. Adolescence is a time for exerting independence and breaking away (at least a little bit) from mom and dad. Parents can help teens feel more independent by giving them a space all their own.

"Whether it's a bedroom, study room or basement, any room in the home can be altered to suit the needs of both teens and parents... Provide plenty of storage room for their school bags, art work, sporting equipment and gadgets, which will help keep the room tidy and organized."

Consider moving the television, sound system, and video games to keep the noise in one area of the house. It's still the parent's house, so setting rules for space is fair; just keep them reasonable. Source: NewsCanada

Labels: rules, privacy, independence

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When teenagers begin developing friendships with people of the opposite sex, it can cause a whole new set of questions and concerns to rise to the forefront of a parent's mind. Is it OK for them to be alone? If they're in your teen's room, should the door stay open? What if you set rules that are different than those of other parents?

"'Nobody else can tell you what's right in your household,' says panelist Marcie Lightwood. 'You have the right to set your own rules according to your values.' There is nothing wrong with limiting the time teens can be alone with the opposite sex."

Parents have the right to set clear rules and to enforce those rules. Some teens may need more structure than others (especially those who are more impulsive), so rules will vary from house to house. Source: The Morning Call (Allentown, Pennsylvania)

Labels: sex, values, rules

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A study conducted by Stephanie Madsen at Maryland's McDaniel College found that the dating rules parents set may reflect the condition of their own love lives. Researchers looked at conditions such as curfews, minimum ages for dating, and rules about sexual activity.

"Parents who are unhappy, dissatisfied, or insecure in love... go beyond limits and try to dictate or control how their teens treat their dates, the study found. These parents try to influence their kids to value certain things and act in specific ways."

In contrast, parents who were happy with their love lives took on more supervisory roles, such as asking teens to disclose their plans when going out and to check in if those plans change. Source: The Wall Street Journal

Labels: parenting_styles, dating, rules

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A concerned parent recently wrote in to the Wall Street Journal's "Work and Family Mailbox," looking for advice about her teenage children. She's divorced, and her ex-husband allows their kids to use his house when he's out of town, even though they've been caught throwing parties. Because she's not willing to let the kids use her house, her kids say she doesn't trust them, and she isn't sure what to do.

"I'd recommend holding your ground. Your teens are simply behaving like normal adolescents, pushing boundaries and challenging rules, says Pauline Tesler, a San Francisco family-law attorney and co-author of 'Collaborative Divorce.' The limits you've set are appropriate..."

Tesler goes on to say that even the most well-intentioned teen is subject to peer pressure, which should be considered when setting rules and boundaries. She also suggests that the woman and her ex-husband work hard to come to an agreement about rules regarding empty houses and unauthorized parties. Source: The Wall Street Journal

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Labels: responsibility, rules, boundaries

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Setting rules and establishing boundaries is part of being a parent. Breaking rules and pushing boundaries is often part of being a teenager. Finding common ground between two people whose goals are so diametrically opposed can be tricky, but it can be done - in the context of a healthy relationship.

"Rules without relationship are generally crafted for selfish, egocentric and unloving reasons. The goal is control, personal convenience, and power. These types of rules not only have no relationship - they actually stifle it!"

Parents need to be careful about setting rules simply because it makes their lives easier. Rules need to be set that benefit the child. This type of rule-setting makes it easier to establish and maintain a healthy parent-child relationship. Source: Carlsbad Current Argus

Labels: communication, rules, relationships

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Are parents harder on first-born children than their younger siblings? A new study indicates the answer may be yes.

Researchers from the University of Maryland, Duke University, and Johns Hopkins University sorted through data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics on teen pregnancy and high school drop-outs. The researchers found that parents were more likely to withdraw financial support from first-borns who got pregnant or quit high school than their younger siblings. Parents were more likely to allow the younger brothers or sisters to live at home. Younger siblings were also more likely to drop out of school and get pregnant compared to the first-borns in the study.

Lead author Ginger Zhe Jim believes that most parents want to take a tough stand and set an example of their first-borns who get in trouble in order to deter the younger ones from following suit.

This study appears in Economic Journal.

What happens to the younger siblings of a teen struggling with drug addiction? Learn about how to parent your other children while getting your child help for teen alcoholism.

Labels: parenting, siblings, rules

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A husband and wife who were raised in strict homes are likely to run a tight ship of their own. But as their children become teens and start to rebel, they worry they've been too strict.

"Teens normally rebel against authority, but it sounds like you are questioning whether or not the rules you grew up with are right for your teens. You and your husband need to identify your main concerns for your teens... The thing you want to change is coining everything as a rule when it is really about principles and values."

Family columnist Colleen O'Reilly goes on to suggest instituting family meetings as a venue in which every family member can voice concerns, questions, and complaints. Read more at LaCrosseTribune.com.

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Labels: parenting_styles, rules, rebelling

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The days of dropping off your teen at the mall on Friday night are over - at least in one New Orleans-area city. Clearview Mall in Metairie has instituted a new policy aimed at limiting the number of teens that hang out in the mall on Friday and Saturday nights.

"According to the mall's Parental Escort Policy, patrons 16 and under must be accompanied by an adult who is at least 21 years old on Fridays and Saturdays from 4pm until closing. To enforce the rule, the mall has hired extra security to guard the shopping center's entrances and card the masses, General Manager Tara Lubrano said."

Though the policy has been in place since last summer, mall officials stepped up efforts to enforce it after a particularly violent fight which took place on Feb. 9, 2008. Read more at NOLA.com.

Labels: rules, curfews, loitering

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Warnings and lectures don't do much to motivate teens. Any parent of a teen can vouch for that. When teaching a teen to take responsibility for their actions, tactile consequences speak louder than words.

"A simple rule might be: 'If the car is not home by curfew, then you won't be able to use the car for a day.' If the teen continues to miss curfew, then don't let him drive for increasingly longer periods. And don't soften the blow by offering rides to school. Let him take the bus, so he learns, and learns quickly, from it."

Neither emotional humiliation nor physical pain should be used as consequences. If it is, it simply pits parent against child and valuable lessons about personal responsibility are never learned.

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Labels: parenting, rules, consequences

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Are the rules that were developed by American spies in the 1950s applicable to parenting? Gregory Ramey PhD, thinks so. At a recent visit to the International Spy Museum in Washington, D.C., he found himself thinking that parents would do well to follow the "Moscow Rules".

"'Pick the time and place for action.'... With teens, discipline judiciously. When you make everything important, nothing is important to your teen. Chose your issues carefully, and avoid nagging and sarcastic remarks. When you need to deal with an important issue, don't impulsively react at a time of anger. Select a time when both you and your teen can talk, listen, and try to understand each other."

Other rules include "keep your options open" and the ever-important "you're never completely alone". Though this last rule was considered a bad thing for spies, it's a great thing for parents.

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Labels: parenting_tips, discipline, rules

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Many parents struggle with setting rules and sticking to them. Teenagers are excellent at pressuring parents to ease up on things like curfew and even punishments. But parents need to remember that they have a responsibility to help their kids navigate the troublesome teenage years - and rules are part of that navigation.

"...all kids know they need guidance from their parents. In fact, they want it. They're probably not going to admit that. To do so would be too much of a concession, too big of a blow to their youthful egos. They like the reassurance that comes with knowing there's somebody who cares for and looks after them.'

If you've set rules that you know are fair  stick to them. Be prepared for the pressure your teen will exert and the anger he may feel. Know that in the long run, you're doing what's right and what's best for your child.

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Labels: responsibility, discipline, rules

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Over the last coupe of weeks, homes and parents all across America have been welcoming college students returning home for the summer. While both student and parent are usually glad to see each other, tensions can begin to arise as the children exert more independence and the parents wonder at the lack of communication, untidy rooms, and new piles of laundry.

"[Natalie] Caine says one of the biggest and most common mistakes parents make is asking too many questions. She says this can alienate college students and make them feel as if their parents don't trust them."

College-age children and parents have very different views on the parent-child relationship. The parent thinks that less communication means the relationship will deteriorate, while the child believes that the relationship will remain strong and doesn't need as much attention. Read more at BendBulletin.com.

Labels: communication, college, rules

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The common school of thought for parenting teenagers is that adolescence is a time for parents to let go; to set fewer rules and have fewer boundaries. While the teen years are a critical time for people to begin learning more about personal responsibility, it's a season of life that still requires a lot of parental participation.

AHEAD joins SAMHSA and its experts in asserting that rules are even more important when kids get older because they need to know exactly what their boundaries and expectations are... Clear rules are especially important when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Research shows that young people are less likely to use tobacco, alcohol, and illicit drugs if their parents set rules about not doing so."

Parents need to set clear rules and consistently enforce them, which includes being consistent about consequences when rules are broken. Read more at JournalReview.com.

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Labels: rules, boundaries, dependence

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