News, Advice, and Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Divorce is hard on both parents and kids. All parties struggle with unmet expectations, feelings of disappointment or abandonment, anger, and mistrust. Some of those feelings can be magnified in kids when divorced parents start dating.

Writer Amy Wang addressed this issue in a Jan. 20 article on the website of The Oregonian:

What’s the best way for a recently divorced or separated parent to juggle kids and a new relationship? We asked Angie Blackwell, a certified Stepfamily Foundation coach in McMinnville, for her advice.

While you should be open and honest with your kids about your dating, it’s not necessary to involve the children in your dating life, Blackwell said. For instance, kids shouldn’t even meet first or second dates.

“You don’t really want the kids bonding with someone new unless you know that person’s going to be around for a while,” Blackwell said. It’s fine to talk about people you’ve met, but she advises against bringing them home right away.

Once a relationship does take off, Blackwell advises that parents continue to keep partner and kids separate for a while. “It’s a matter of slowly adding together your new interest and your children,” she said.

Labels: dating, divorce, parenting tips

Differences of opinion over parenting styles and childcare decisions are unavoidable experiences among couples who are raising children together. When those couples divorce, these arguments don’t go away – and in many cases, they intensify.

In an Oct. 22 entry on the Wall St. Journal blog “The Juggle,” writer Rachel Emma Silverman reported on an emerging concept in the effort to reconcile the divergent childcare philosophies of former spouses:

To help ease ... tensions, more divorcing couples are turning to “parenting coordinators.” For instance, actress Anne Heche and her ex recently made tabloid headlines when they were asked by the court to hire one (for $375 an hour) after fighting publicly over the care of their young son.

These professionals, who usually have backgrounds as lawyers, mediators or mental-health professionals, help ex-spouses work through the nitty-gritty decisions of child care: who should pick the kids up from school, what summer camps the children should attend, even when it’s okay for kids to get their ears pierced.

They try to help parents resolve disputed issues themselves, but if parents can’t settle an issue, the coordinator can often make a decision for them.

Labels: divorce, help_for_parents

If you and your spouse fight all the time, staying together "for the sake of the children" may not be a good idea, according to a new study from Cornell University.

• Professor Kelly Musick and her colleagues studied 2000 families involved in the National Survey of Families and Households in the United States.
• The children in the study were ages 10 to 18 years old when the study began, and in their early 30s when the study ended.
• Dr. Musick found that teens who live in "high-conflict" households were at higher risks for smoking, poor school performance, binge drinking, substance abuse, and becoming unwed teenage parents.
• They were also more likely to be depressed.

Dr. Musick said that children usually do better when they live with both biological parents, but the advantage goes away if the parents fight all the time (though her study did not test whether the parents argued in front of the children).

"It's important for couples to understand that it's not good enough just to stay together for the sake of the kids," she said. Teenagers with argumentative parents are no better off in certain ways than are children in single-mother homes or those who live with their mothers and stepfathers.

Labels: arguments, divorce

Another Father's Day has come and gone -- but that doesn't mean we should stop reflecting upon the ways in which fathers impact the lives of their children. Though some people downplay the role fathers play in the lives of their children, research has shown that this mindset is misguided:

"Statistics show that children who grow up in homes without a strong male role model have higher rates of teen pregnancy, drug abuse and alcoholism," Camilla Olive wrote in a June 28 editorial on the PennLive website. "These at-risk kids also will raise the bar on high school dropout rates, criminal activity and divorce."

Even when parents divorce, it's important for a father to maintain close, healthy relationships with his kids, Olive wrote -- regardless of the quality of the father's relationship with the children's mother.

Labels: divorce, drug abuse prevention, fathers

Divorce is hard on kids. But when a parent starts dating again, it can not only open up old wounds caused by the divorce, but can also prompt new fears of losing mom or dad to a new relationship.

"If there’s one mistake that gets made too often ... it's introducing children to a partner before the child is ready or before the parent knows whether the person has much potential for a stable relationship." [Source: The Calgary Herald]

A parent may be ready to date before the child is ready for the parent to date. It's something that needs to be discussed, though the conversation can be awkward. If a child is still grieving his parents’ divorce, dating may need to wait. At the very least, hold off on introducing your child to someone unless you're sure the child is ready and that the relationship has long-term potential.

Labels: dating, divorce, parenting, parenting tips

The phrase "child abuse" usually brings to mind images of children who have been beaten or severely neglected. But a different kind of abuse, one that can be just as damaging, often goes unnoticed. It's called parental alienation.

The Parental Alienation Awareness Organization defines this type of abuse as, "the mental manipulation and/or bullying of children which can result in destroying a loving and warm relationship they once shared with a parent." Sadly, parental alienation is most often the result of two ... mature adults who resort to using their children as unwitting chips in a high-stakes game of post-marital revenge. [Source: The Mississuaga News (Ontario, Canada)]

In many cases of parental alienation, the parents are so wrapped up in their personal lives and challenges that they don't realize the damage they're causing to their child - or to their relationship with their child. Parental alienation is an issue that divorced or separated parents need to be particularly aware of, though families who all live under the same roof are by no means immune to this problem.

Adolescents and teens who do not have positive relationships with their parents may be prone to a range of behavior problems and mental health concerns, including depression, substance abuse, and poor academic performance.

Labels: abuse, alienation, divorce, parenting, separation

Rita Ruelas, chief of the Family Court Services in El Paso, Texas, knows how devastating divorce can be on kids - and she's trying to help parents better understand those effects.

"The office began cooperative parenting classes about five years ago to teach parents how they impact their children. That parenting class and other related courses received grant funding from the Texas Attorney General's office in 2006."

The open hostility that divorcing parents often display toward each other can cause their children to develop depression, struggle in school, and experience a range of additional developmental delays. The Texas classes aim to help parents handle their divorce and subsequent court orders regarding custody and other matters responsibly. Source: El Paso (TX) Times

Labels: divorce, parenting

Most people are aware that 50 percent of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. But many don't know is that about one million children experience divorce right along with their parents - and a poorly handled divorce can be traumatic for kids.

"[Barbara] Cochran [of Community Counseling Services] described children responding to conflict in their parents' divorce in very different manners. Some act out with delinquent or violent behavior and an uncontrolled anger, others simply isolate themselves and fall into depression, substance abuse or frequent headaches, accidents or injuries. She also showed how children in homes of great conflict do not interact well with others, or have trouble with school."

The bottom line is that children need their parents, and parents need to make the health and well-being of their kids a priority - even in cases of divorce. Source: Telegraph Forum

Labels: divorce, relationships, trauma

Divorce often strains relationships between parents and children. But when a parent starts dating or gets married again, it can be just as straining – if not more.

"While the parent may be giddy over a new relationship or spouse, experts warn that their kids may not feel the same way – and no one should try to force them to. Permit the teen or adult child to feel what he or she is feeling about you, the divorce and the new person in your life, says psychologist Joel Black..."

It's natural for teens to react emotionally when a parent starts dating again. The emotions can range from anger or resentment to apathy. Talk through those feelings, and let your child go through the process without being rushed to accept your new mate. Read more at Newsday.com.

Labels: communication, divorce, step_parents