News, Advice, and Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Kori, a Colorado mom, just watched her 16-year-old daughter go on her first real date. The experience sparked memories of her own teenage years, and raised concerns about her ability to help daughter navigate these tricky waters.

"I have no road map for this, the beginning of dating. I have absolutely NO real life experiences, no good example of parenting a teenaged girl to follow. I don't even know what is and isn't acceptable. I know what things I hope my daughter has learned [and] I know what things we have talked about as she has grown and matured, but what I don't know is how to stand back and watch and let her life unfold."

So she watches, paying close attention to what her daughter says to and about her new boyfriend. She watches for red flags, but does her best to let her daughter make her own choices. Now past the point of carrying her daughter through life, she's learning to step back and simply be available to catch her if she falls. Source: The Sacramento (Calif.) Bee

Labels: dating, relationships, boundaries

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A concerned parent recently wrote in to an advice column about her teenage daughter's practice of hugging all of her friends. The parent didn't remember experiencing that level of physicality in high school, and wondered if the behavior is OK.

"I do not think that it is a problem as long as it is accompanies by a healthy respect for boundaries. In fact, hugging between friends is a generally pleasant and acceptable social behavior. Concerns about physical closeness arise when a young person does not have a good sense of their own boundaries."

Teaching boundaries starts at home, with giving and expecting respect for one's boundaries and privacy. Parents need to show as much respect as they want to receive - for example, they should knock before entering a child's bedroom, and should give their children privacy (within reason of course) when they ask for it. Physical boundaries are learned when parents don't force more affection on a child than that child is willing to receive. Source: Comox Valley Record (B.C., Canada)

Labels: social-skills, boundaries, friends

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A concerned parent recently wrote in to an advice column with a question about her teenage daughter, whose friends are all boys. "Is that OK?", the parent wanted to know.

"Knowing how to relate to the opposite sex will only serve her well as she matures. When she's working with a group on a project for school, she'll have experience managing herself with guys. When she lands a job, she'll have knowledge as to how to communicate with her male co-workers, bosses and subordinates."

As long as the friends are just friends (and aren't engaging in risky behavior), the daughter should be just fine, said a behavioral specialist,. The specialist suggested that the concerned parent should get to know the boys her daughter is spending time with by inviting them to spend time at her house or offering to give them rides to their activities. Source: The Seattle Times

Labels: sex, boundaries, friends

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Teens push boundaries - that's no secret. And parents have the unenviable responsibility of setting firm boundaries for their teenagers as well as consequences when rules aren't followed.

"Set high standards - as you definitely know from your own life, you can only reach as high as you aim. Set expectations for your teen high, and they will at least have a chance."

Be clear about your expectations and boundaries. If they're not clear, your teen has more opportunity to find loopholes, or to unintentionally break a rule. Unclear rules can be frustrating for both teen and parents. Source: Busy Moms Online

Labels: expectations, boundaries, consequences

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No matter how open communication is, parents are often tempted to snoop into the lives of their teenagers. Whether it's reading email, reading text messages, digging through a backpack, or searching a closet, parents want to make sure teens aren't hiding evidence of risky behavior.

"Does covert sneakiness actually provide benefits beyond other risk-prevention steps? Do those benefits outweigh the negative aspects of going behind their backs? Secret snooping has a definite downside. It is dishonest. And if they find out - which they often do - kids feel betrayed."

Parents can't stop every risky behavior in which their teens might engage. But open communication and lots of questions (Where are you going? What will you be doing afterward? Who are you going with?) will go much further than snooping. Source: The Globe and Mail (UK)

Labels: parenting, privacy, boundaries

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A concerned parent recently wrote in to the Wall Street Journal's "Work and Family Mailbox," looking for advice about her teenage children. She's divorced, and her ex-husband allows their kids to use his house when he's out of town, even though they've been caught throwing parties. Because she's not willing to let the kids use her house, her kids say she doesn't trust them, and she isn't sure what to do.

"I'd recommend holding your ground. Your teens are simply behaving like normal adolescents, pushing boundaries and challenging rules, says Pauline Tesler, a San Francisco family-law attorney and co-author of 'Collaborative Divorce.' The limits you've set are appropriate..."

Tesler goes on to say that even the most well-intentioned teen is subject to peer pressure, which should be considered when setting rules and boundaries. She also suggests that the woman and her ex-husband work hard to come to an agreement about rules regarding empty houses and unauthorized parties. Source: The Wall Street Journal

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Labels: responsibility, rules, boundaries

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More teen girls set up personal Web sites and keep online blogs than teen boys, according to a new study from the Pew Internet and American Life Project.
About 35% of girls ages 12 to 17 who are online keep blogs (diaries) compared to only 20% of boys. Girls are more likely to create Web sites and other Internet content compared to boys (55% vs. 45%).

"Girls have always demonstrated a more aggressive adoption of online posting," according to Mary Madden, a senior research specialist at Pew. "It seems that girls are more focused on verbal expression."

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Labels: internet, girls, boundaries

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When parents discuss privacy, the focus is typically their teenagers. But teens aren't the only ones in the house who need, and are entitled to, a private life. Parents need to set clear boundaries with their kids and maintain their own level of privacy as well.

"It is difficult to determine the limits of what is appropriate to share with your kids about your own life. Teenagers can be remarkably persistent when it comes to "building a case" in support of minimizing their own transgressions. The last thing we want is for them to use our youthful indiscretions as ammo against us. We have already suffered enough. Do our kids need to know this stuff? Is it helpful, even?"

When sharing details about your personal life, you are free to use your own discretion. The same is true of your personal space. Married couples have the right to spend time alone, behind locked doors, and are not obligated to answer questions about their activities. Similarly, single parents need their time alone as well.

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Labels: communication, privacy, boundaries

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As teens begin wanting to live more independently, it's natural for them to test the boundaries set by parents. They may test boundaries of curfews, clothing, or school involvement. But if parents know each other, and keep lines of communication open about what their kids are doing and where they are, parents can present a united front against the boundary testing.

"Know who your kids' friends are, talk to their parents. Have a meeting and establish common curfews and rules about parties, drinking and driving. If they're spending the night at a friend's house, verify that with parents."

If parents catch a teen breaking curfew or some other established rule, there need to be consequences. Parents should agree on an appropriate punishment, which should be specific to the child and should make a lasting impression. Read more at TheState.com.

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Labels: communication, boundaries, consequences

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Some parents prefer a more affectionate, permissive style when relating to and disciplining their teens. Other parents tend to be stricter and show very little emotion. Each style has its good and bad points, and either is unhealthy if taken to the extreme.

"The bottom line of parenting is providing caring support on a regular basis. That means learning to see teens as whole persons rather than as 'a stage or age;' seeing them positively and believing in their capacity for good and seeking ways to enhance and develop it; engaging them or being actively involved with them regularly."

Both the overly permissive and the overly strict parenting style can push teens away, causing them to seek either the boundaries or affection they desire elsewhere. Keeping a healthy balance and offering consistent care and support make all the difference. Read more at News-Press.com.

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Labels: parenting_styles, support, boundaries

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The common school of thought for parenting teenagers is that adolescence is a time for parents to let go; to set fewer rules and have fewer boundaries. While the teen years are a critical time for people to begin learning more about personal responsibility, it's a season of life that still requires a lot of parental participation.

AHEAD joins SAMHSA and its experts in asserting that rules are even more important when kids get older because they need to know exactly what their boundaries and expectations are... Clear rules are especially important when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Research shows that young people are less likely to use tobacco, alcohol, and illicit drugs if their parents set rules about not doing so."

Parents need to set clear rules and consistently enforce them, which includes being consistent about consequences when rules are broken. Read more at JournalReview.com.

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Labels: rules, boundaries, dependence

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