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"A conflict a day is about the right amount of rowing necessary to stay in close touch with the way your adolescent is developing," said Dr. Tabitha Holmes, assistant professor at State University of New York and a specialist in adolescent development.Dr. Holmes found that teens reacted differently to fighting than their parents. She believes that a daily fight actually helps teenagers learn to express their own viewpoints and defend themselves. Teens that are too complacent are often in more trouble than their more contentious peers.
"Whereas parents talked about how upsetting and destructive arguing with their child was, the adolescents were able to see how locking horns helped them to understand their parents' points of view more clearly," she said. "They were also very aware that a good row forced them to think through, articulate and defend their opinions and desires."Professor Richard Tremblay, director of the Aggression Research Group, said, "Children who learn to play roughly are actually learning boundaries, empathy and, when they go too far, reconciliation skills. Having fiery arguments with their parents is simply play fighting with words. It is this sort of life lesson that draws parents and children together." The Holmes study appears in the journal Personal Relationships.
Labels: arguments, fighting, relationships
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:59 AM
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"And the most effective way they sidetrack you is through certain responses - call them their greatest hits - that they hope will undo your words. They're hoping you'll say 'Oh. I'm sorry. I've changed mind. It was inconsiderate of me to ask you to clean up the TV room. I'll do it myself.'"Phrases like "I hate you" simply re-direct the conversation from curfew to your level of affection for your child. It's a discussion that no one wins and that often disintegrates into a full-blown argument. And at the end, you still haven't settled the original curfew issue. If your teen is truly upset, acknowledge his feelings, but make sure the conversation stays on track. Read more at TheGlobeandMail.com.
Labels: arguments, communication, consequences
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:56 PM
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"As part of the six-week program, the parents discuss various topics such as improving a teenagers self esteem, parenting styles for dealing with a teenager, disciplining a teenager and becoming more involved in a teenager's life. Trisha McKendry, coordinator for the Active Parenting of Teens program, said they also discuss other issues such as drug use, sexual activity, and alcohol consumption among teenagers."Some parents who participate in the program sign up on their own; others are referred through DeKalb social services programs. The program is getting great feedback. Parents have said they are able to really talk to their teens, enforce rules and curfews without explosive arguments, and show their love and affection in ways their teens understand. Read more at MidWeekNews.com.
Labels: arguments, communication, involment
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:23 AM
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"Retreating from the situation can feel like a defeat. Walking away is not defeat, parents. Not one bit... Walking away is a victory. It means you are aware you have hit the limits of your own tolerance, and that you are not willing to suffer any further. Walking away demonstrates your clear understanding that an impasse has been reached..."
Labels: arguments, communication, setting_examples
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:47 PM
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