News, Advice, and Tips for Parenting Teenagers
The By Parents For Parents Blog is regularly updated with the latest news and information on topics that relate to parenting teenagers. We'll post parenting advice and tips from trusted online news sources and expert parenting columns.
We invite you to add your comments. Please let us know if you would like some specific topics covered, want to share your experience as a parent dealing with teens, or just have general feedback on the By Parents For Parents Blog.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Girls Sue School Over Bullying
ABC News is reporting that five teenage girls are suing their former high school saying that teachers and administrators didn't pay attention to reports of being bullied. The lawsuit claims the school and the school district was negligent in their supervision of students and in keeping the girls safe. The girls said they told teachers and administrators about being the victims of bullying, but nothing was done about it - often they were told to "toughen up" or just "ride it out." The lawsuit also says that school officials told the girls' parents that there wasn't anything they could do to stop the bullying. Experts say that adults often overlook chronic bullying and don't take it as seriously as they should. Read more
online.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 7:25 PM
Sunday, July 30, 2006
The Many Forms of Addiction
In the Salem News, Cathy Brownfield reports that parents who use and drugs and alcohol typically have children that use and abuse drugs and alcohol. It's one of those "actions speak louder than words" things where parents are setting anything but a good example. Even if the form of addiction isn't illegal, it can be use as damaging to lives and relationships - gambling, video games, work, sex, etc. Parents must realize that their attitudes and their actions can and will make a big difference in the decisions their kids make. Read more online from salemnews.net.
Do you have a young adult who has struggled with substance abuse and self-defeating behaviors? Are you 18-24 years old and in need of help transitioning into a healthy, responsible, independent adult? The NorthStar Center offers a unique residential transitional program for young adults who would benefit from an alternative education school with emotional guidance to assist in acquiring the skills necessary towards becoming effective and independent adults. NorthStar's independent living programs focus on the unique needs of young adults who have experienced challenges with substance abuse or dependence and with accepting personal responsibility for themselves.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:10 PM
Teen Drinking Leads to Serious Consequences as Adults
New research shows that teenagers who drink, especially heavy drinkers, suffer significant brain damage - more severe than was previous thought. The research also shows that early heavy drinking may prevent the neurological capacities needed to prevent alcoholism. In the studies conducted on alcoholic teenagers, researchers found that the teens had verbal and nonverbal memory loss, trouble focusing their attention, and difficultly with spatial skills. Experts say that the results show a clear correlation between excessive adolescent drinking and long-term cognitive difficulties. Read more about the long term effects of underage drinking from the
San Francisco Gate.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 8:09 PM
Saturday, July 29, 2006
When They Might Want You to Say No
It can be hard to "read" teens as to what they want, are hoping for, are angry about. But, there are times when they are wanting us to tell them "no" when they ask for permission to do something. Parents shouldn't assume that they need to agree to all of their teenager's requests. Part of parenting teenagers is allowing them more freedoms, but still holding them accountable. Ask about their request. Get enough information to make a careful decision. Then, if it still doesn't fit within your parenting parameters, just say, "no." There are times that a teenager might ask to participate in an event or activity that really doesn't feel quite right to them. Or they know it's really more appropriate for older teens. But part of being a teen is to check where the limits are. With some things, they might just be asking to reassure themselves that your limits haven't changed. And, they may even be hoping you'll say, "no."
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:03 AM
Friday, July 28, 2006
Affluent Teens Stressed-Out and Unhappy
Rick Politio, of The
Marin Independent Journal, reports that teens of affluence are becoming the latest generation of stressed-out, unhappy kids. These are spoiled, rich kids whose overachieving parents treat them as achievements, not as children who need love, acceptance, and room to fail. Today's affluent teens must look, act, and pretend to be perfect. Unfortunately, that kind of pressure is causing higher rates of depression, anxiety, and forms of self-mutilation. These stressed-out, miserable kids act out in destructive and disturbing ways. Read more about the problems facing children of affluence
online.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:28 PM
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Teenagers and Self-Esteem
All teens struggle with issues of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-identity during adolescence. They are challenged by questions and issues relating to peers, morals, ethics, spirituality, and more. And, if a teenager has any additional behavioral, emotional, or mental health issues, the challenges are even greater. Spend time with your child doing activities that she's good at. Praise them for specific positive choices they make, and teach them to accept praise gracefully. Try and avoid criticizing too much. And, don't jump in too quickly to help her solve problems - allow her to try and resolve it on her own. Self esteem usually drops when kids hit adolescence. Do what you can as a parent to help them out.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:03 AM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Do Your Kids Make You Feel Dumb?
Columnist Tom McMahon, who is a college professor and author, says his daughters have the uncanny ability to make him feel silly, old-fashioned, and behind the times. While he acknowledges that he may sometimes embarrass his girls, he also realizes the strength of the parent-child relationship and how parents and children play an important part of shaping each other's behaviors. Read more parenting tips from the
Contra Costa Times.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 6:20 PM
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Maintaining Physical Affection
Teenagers still need hugs, kisses, and touches from mom and dad. They may act like they don't want it, or think that it isn't good for their "rep" to enjoy parental affection, but they do it anyway. Find ways to be physically connected. Hold their arm instead of their hand. Kiss the top of their head rather than their cheek. Do a goofy dance step or two with her. Just because they're growing up doesn't mean that mom and dad's hugs and kisses aren't important anymore.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:01 AM
Monday, July 24, 2006
Teaching Your Teen to Be Responsible for their Meds
You may be parenting a teenager on various medications. When they were younger, you just handed them their pills and checked that they took them. As teenagers, they need to start taking responsibility for taking their own meds. They need to learn when to take them, what to take, and if there are any special dietary requirements that accompany certain medications. Start with having them be responsible for one aspect of their medication: something that you have control over. For example, you might tell them that it's up to them to "remind" you about their dinner time meds. You might even reward them for remembering for a certain number of days. Slowly expand their levels of responsibility. And, remember, if your child has learning delays, you may need to help them overcome any limitations they have. For example, you might have to buy them a watch that can be set to remind them when to take their pills. Your goal is to teach them self-sufficiency in taking their medications before they transition to adulthood.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:27 AM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Support Groups for Parents and Kids
If you're parenting a very challenging teenager, you may feel it necessary to separate them from other teens with poor behaviors. However, there may be a lot of stress on teens with emotional and behavioral issues to try and fit in with the "regular kids." If you belong to a support group for parents of children with emotional, behavioral, or mental health issues, consider having occasional or regular kid activities. These may be one of the few times when your teen doesn't feel different. They're with other kids that are on meds, or are in therapy, or get poor grades in school. If you can keep the activities very structured, you just might find it beneficial for your teen to spend a few hours a month with other kids that he doesn’t have to impress or explain himself to.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 7:09 PM
Friday, July 21, 2006
Don't Forget to Have Fun with Your Kids
Don't forget to find ways to laugh and have fun with your teenager. Even if they're being a typical teen - oppositional, grumpy, impossible to please - integrate activities that will help you laugh together. Say something outrageous. Play a game of cards with them. Watch a funny movie together. Take a bike ride together. Share a new joke. Laughter is one of the best ways to create family memories and to break through some of the tough shell that most teenagers carry around.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:10 AM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Imposing Consequences on Your Teenager
It can be so challenging to discipline teenagers. Specific consequences usually have more impact than just a general "you’re grounded for a week." When natural consequences fall into place, let them happen. For example, if your teen doesn't turn in a permission trip, they don't get to go with the team to the state tournament. But when natural consequences aren't falling into place, you'll need to impose a consequence, a logical consequence. Whenever possible, make the consequence connect to the poor choice. For example, if your teen comes in after curfew, a logical consequence would be for them to have to arrive home before curfew time for several evenings. If your adolescent steals something, they should talk with the manager of the store and work off the cost of their actions. When natural and logical consequences are used, your teens are better able to internalize cause and effect.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 5:57 PM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Social Skills
Social skills are critically important to teenagers' positive interactions at school, at work, and at home. With younger kids, social gaffs are not always noticeable, or are overlooked. But after about the age of 10 or 11 the lack of table manners, or an inability to make introductions, or not able to stand in lines can make a teen stand out. Your child might just be bullheaded and refusing (as teens are wont to do!) to utilize the skills they have. However, if your child is autistic, has Asperger's, or suffers from a non-verbal learning disorder, they may need extra help. Practice social skills at home in anticipation of upcoming events and activities. Remind your teen that appropriate social skills will help them to fit in and to be thought of as a smart/kind/good kid. Learn to write social stories that you can write about different social situations - conversations, personal space, non verbal language, etc. - and review them whenever it's appropriate. Improvements in your teenager's social skills will help build their self esteem and help them interact with peers and adults.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:56 PM
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Teens Going to Therapy
If you've got a challenging teen, they may be in therapy - anger management, behavioral, auditory, etc. They might be starting to rebel against going. Have an open discussion between you, your child, and the therapist. Address your teen's concerns as to why they still have to go and how long will they have to keep going. They may be court mandated to attend which lets parents off the hook in terms of being the bad guy. If it's mom (or dad) mandated, and they feel that they're attending "under duress," you need to ask yourself if there's any validity to their claim that they don't need to go any more. If you decide it's still needed, this may have to be one of those battles you DO choose to fight. Be clear about what the consequences will be for not attending, i.e., removal of certain privileges. At the same time, show sympathy for their feelings. It may be one battle that means future success for your child or not.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:54 AM
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Actively Acknowledge Their Need For Independence
You know intellectually that your teenager is moving toward more and more independence. You're giving them more choices. You're reducing or changing some of the rules. But teens also need to hear you talk about it. Comment about why you're not going on the church mission trip with them - so they can do an independent activity without you. Notice that they're now able to do some of their clothes shopping without you along (well, for some of it!). Teenagers are striving and working for independence and self-sufficiency, and they need to know that we notice. Find opportunities to show your teen that you notice and support their move toward independence. Verbalizing this to your teens helps their internal growth, and reminds them that you're a willing observer.
NorthStar Center is a program specifically designed to continue the therapeutic process for young adults who have experienced challenges with substance abuse and with accepting personal responsibility for themselves. NorthStar's
progam for teenagers and young adults teaches the skills to live successfully as an independent and interdependent adult.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 6:46 PM
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Using Fewer Words
Do you use too many words with your teenager? If your child seems to be tuning out more and more, it might be because you're talking too much. Yes, we need to communicate with our teens. But the majority of our talking needs to be about their interests, their friends, school, and more. If most of your talking is about what they need to change, what they're doing wrong, or what they've forgotten to do, you just might be using too many words at the wrong time. Most teens know what's right, what's wrong, and what's expected of them. Find ways to remind and redirect using fewer words. And, if you need to implement a consequence, do it in a matter-of-fact way with just a few words; they know what they did wrong. Save your words for the important stuff and you just might find your teen tuning out less.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 6:40 PM
Monday, July 10, 2006
Being Part of Your Teens' Activities
TheEagle.com reports that a study in the April issue of the Journal of Pediatrics found that teenagers who engaged in physical activities during the summer stayed out of troubled with drugs and alcohol. While it's really common sense, no previous concrete evidence existed showing the link between a sedentary lifestyle and risky behavior in teens. Researchers found that 7th-11th graders who participated in sports, especially ones that included parental involvement. In contrast, teens that spend most of their time watching TV or playing video games tend to engage in more risky behaviors. The study also shows the importance of being involved in your teens' life - especially outside and while being active. Learn about ways to connect with your child online at
www.theeagle.com.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 9:35 PM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Teens' Summers Aren't Always a Vacation
A growing number of ambitious teens are acting more like adults by spending their summers preparing for their futures. Instead of spending their summers at the pool or the beach, many college-bound teenagers spend the time working on academic projects and/or volunteer work in an effort to increase their chances of getting into the college of their choice. Students understand that they must work hard year-round to get into top universities. While some adults are amazed at the drive of today's teens, others say they feel parents push their kids too hard. Read more about the way teenagers are spending their summers now from
www.registerguard.com.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 2:52 PM
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Advice For Step-Parents
Today's reality of blended families brings up issues of step-parenting and discipline. Children of divorced families are often dealing with grief, confusion, and expectations. When their parents remarry, they have another, new authority figure in the picture. Experts suggest that stepparents start out in a supportive role and then, as they gain their step-kids trust and respect, move into more of a disciplinarian role. Since younger kids see most adults as disciplinarians, they often accept stepparents into that role more quickly than teens do. Step-parenting can be made easier by giving and receiving support from their spouses - parents should work as a united front. By engaging in activities together, stepparents can create a bond with their step-kids which with strengthen the entire family. Read some do's and dont's for stepparenting from
DelawareOnline.com.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:28 PM
Friday, July 07, 2006
Dealing With Young Love
MSNBC.com recently published some tips for parents with teenagers in love - or like or however it is teens think they feel about someone. Parents often find themselves in the middle of tween and teen romance and the constant fear of rejection. Making matters worse, the MTV set seems to think that everyone should be in a relationship at that being single is almost a sin. Check out the
Today Show and MSNBC for more help on dealing with teen romances.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 2:26 PM
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Teens and Community Service
Finding appropriate ways for your teen to constructively occupy their time outside of school can be challenging. If they're not doing a sport, or involved in a faith community, you should consider having them do community service. Kids and teens that stay inwardly focused are at risk of developing a sense of entitlement. Helping others connects them to a bigger world and pushes them to interconnect with a broader range of people. Local museums might use volunteer teen tour guides. Nature centers might welcome teens to help care for the animals. A homeless shelter might be delighted to have a teen to help prepare food. Start by connecting with your community's 211 service or contacting the United Way to see what volunteer possibilities are available for teens. But don't stop there. Organizations that don't have a formal volunteer program might be excited to hear about a good fit between their needs and your teen's interests and abilities. By getting your teen involved in community service, you just might be providing them with a whole new world!
The Academy at Swift River is a
therapeutic boarding school in New England where students participate in activities designed to teach volunteerism, service to others - especially those less fortunate than them - personal growth, and in challenging physical, social and emotionally charged environments. Learn more about the
Academy at Swift River.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 2:45 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Delaying Gratification
Parenting challenging children, whether due to emotional, behavioral, or mental health issues, is practice in delayed gratification. With some kids, gentle reminders and a few explanations are enough to change their behaviors. With the tough ones, that's seldom what happens. Maybe you're implementing new parenting approaches, maybe your child is undergoing therapy, or perhaps your teen is starting new medications. None of these usually have an immediate impact. Remind yourself daily that you're in this to help your child for the long term. Especially when it comes to parenting techniques, changes don't happen overnight. You might be implementing new consequences, refusing to argue, holding your teen more accountable - and your teen will probably resist. Remember that your teenager's behavioral issues have been honed over time. Or, they might be long-ingrained habits. Or they might be underpinned by mental health issues. Stay firm, be committed, and if possible, find a support group to help you through the short-term until you get to long term success for your child.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 10:43 PM
Saturday, July 01, 2006
When Traditional Schools Don't Fit
For some kids, regular schools, whether public, charter, or private are just the right fit. However, with kids suffering from emotional, behavioral, or mental health issues, they often aren't. Challenges may include too much noise and stimulation, too little structure, classes that are too long, not enough personalized instruction, and more. Sometimes what we attribute to behavioral issues are really stimulated by an inability to cope with their school surroundings. Have some psychological and cognitive testing done on your teen. Find out what type of academic environment will help her to be successful. Then research the options available for your child based on location, specialized teaching approaches, school setting, available therapies, and, of course, cost. Moving your child from a more typical school, to one that can meet his or her needs, can change the course of their lives.
Learn more about specialty boarding schools and high schools that can help kids who are headed down the wrong path at
4TroubledTeens.com.
posted by ByParents-forParents at 2:41 PM
