"Shut up you stupid mom," might be somewhat funny coming from a four-year-old. The same phrase, including a few swear words, along with aggressive posturing, is not funny coming from an 11-year-old.
All families have different standards as to acceptable and unacceptable words. But, if your child is regularly not adhering to your family's standards, they might be considered verbal aggressive or even verbally abusive.
Even the calmest, kindest people in the people have moments when they might yell - they close their fingers in the car door, their toddler is running out into traffic. Everyone would consider those appropriate, even necessary. Parents instill standards of politeness and kindness that might include discussion rather than arguing, respectful responses to questions, and allowing verbal expressions of frustration but not mean insults.
Some children, however, do not adhere to these standards. They might be accusatory or threatening with their words. They might use swear words, aggressive posturing, or a yelling and demanding voice. Other than certain exceptions, none of these is acceptable. The question, however, is, what's behind the verbal aggression? Is it a bad habit? Is it connected to a psychological diagnosis?
A few things to consider. . . Verbal aggression is often indicative of underlying layers of anger. The question, however, is, "What is the cause or trigger for that anger?" One or more of the following can contribute to verbal aggression: living in an abusive or neglectful environment, witnessing abuse - either verbal or physical, an undiagnosed physical ailment such as a hearing problem, or mental health issues.
If your child is verbally aggressive, try whispering when your child yells. Provide positive feedback for appropriate words and tone. Implement consequences for egregious verbal aggression. If parenting alone has no impact, look to your child's primary physician to help determine the next step. Once any physical problems are ruled out, an assessment by a therapist or counselor will help determine if there are any emotional, behavioral, or mental health issues that need to be addressed.
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