News, Advice, and Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Parenting books often talk about the importance of helping a child build their self esteem. Some therapists and parenting specialists nowadays suggest that constant positive feedback, and ongoing efforts to be sure a child always feels special, may not provide an honest view of the real world. On the other hand, there are children for whom building self esteem is not even part of their reality because they don't have any sense of self - no identity of themselves separate from other people.

Stop and think for a moment... What do you like doing on sunny days? Isn't it funny how you loved dogs as a child, and your sibling loved birds...? Where are you headed in life? Most of us are able to answer and comfortably contemplate these questions. Some children, however, have no sense of self. Ask them personal questions about their feelings, beliefs, and interests, and they may struggle to answer. They may have no sense of who they are... no sense of self.

The lack of sense of self most often occurs when babies and young children are raised without security, without consistency, without warmth. When these are missing, as might happen with early childhood trauma or dysfunctional families, there may be an inability to separate oneself from others. A person becomes only a response to others, not a separate identity.

Does your child struggle with questions like, "What do you think?" or, "How would you feel?" then they may be suffering from an underdeveloped sense of self. There are several things you can do to help develop a child's sense of self. Provide activities where they are pushed to consider their own interests, traits, and characteristics. For example, you might have them create an acrostic poem (write their name vertically and have them write one phrase or sentence about themselves that starts with each letter of their name). Identify out loud to your child your own sense of self, i.e., "I'm the kind of person who always feels sad when I see a homeless person."

Over time, your child will begin to identify their personal traits and characteristics as part of their internal self. If this doesn't happen, you might seek out professional counseling for your child to access if there are any underlying psychological issues that need attention in order for your child to develop a healthy sense of self.