Control: to exercise authoritative or dominating influence over someone or something. Manipulate: to influence or manage shrewdly or deviously or to tamper with or falsify for personal gain.
All kids wheedle their parents for an extra cookie . . . or to stay up an extra 10 minutes at night . . . or to hear ‘just one more story.’ A child might use extra smiles, a hug, a convincing tone of voice, a reminder of previous good behavior, or appeal to the parent’s sense of guilt. And, sometimes parents give in, even when they’re fully aware that they are being manipulated; they might even chuckle about it.
But, control and manipulation can be abusive when it's used inappropriately. Does the child play one friend against another? Or parent against parent? Maybe they control others through threats. Maybe they manipulate a sibling. These negative types of control and manipulation are almost always undergirded by a psychological issue. For example, children diagnosed with reactive attachment (RAD) disorder often have control and/or manipulation listed as one of their traits. These kids have usually had varying levels of trauma, abuse, or neglect in the first few years of their life. With that kind of background, kids lack trust and often use manipulative, controlling behaviors as a form of self-preservation. Even when the kids move into safe, secure situations/families, these behaviors have often become an ingrained habit.
Sometimes kids overcome the use of inappropriate control and manipulation through consistent parenting in a trust-filled home. Other times, kids may need therapeutic interventions in order to move past these behaviors.
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