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By Linda Hepler
Your kids are at it again. You hear the scuffling and loud voices and finally the shriek: "Mom! Will hit me!"
Sibling rivalry: It's to be expected - isn't it?
To a point, yes. But when things go too far, it's not just a "rivalry," it's abuse.
Identifying the Problem
Almost all siblings squabble - and may even resort to physical acting out at times - but there is a difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. And all too often, parents don't see the abuse for what it is until someone gets seriously hurt.
What is sibling abuse? It may take the form of physical, emotional or sexual acting out toward one sibling by another sibling. While it may range from mild aggression to violent behavior, one thing is consistent: One child is always the victim and the other child is always the aggressor.
How can you tell if your child is being abused by his sibling? One sign of abuse is that he avoids his sibling whenever possible. He may also make changes to his behavior (such as different sleeping or eating patterns) or start having nightmares
Sibling abuse occurs in as many as 30 percent of all children. It's more likely to occur when parents are not around very much or have too many of their own troubles to pay attention to what is going on between the children. Playing favorites among children or comparing children can also lead to sibling abuse, as can not teaching children how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.
Children who are expected to take on too many adult burdens, such as taking care of younger children, are at risk for perpetrating sibling abuse - as are children who are exposed to violence through TV shows or video games.
What to Do
It's important to pay close attention to your children's behavior toward one another, and to intervene if disagreements become physical. The following are good tips for handling conflicts between children:
Keep a close eye on how things progress. If you find that the aggression is escalating or that physical or emotional fighting increases in frequency, you may want to seek professional help.
Aside from the physical danger of present abuse, victims of sibling abuse carry the effects of early abusive experiences into adulthood. Children who have suffered sibling abuse often have develop depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and drug and alcohol problems later in life.